Night Thoughts
by Galadiel
Summary: If she had only been there... Lily would not have died. Oneshot.


Petunia Dursley sat at the kitchen table. It was after midnight and her whole family was already asleep, but she could not sleep. Not after all that had happened that day... no, not that day. It was much more than just one day. It had been years, actually, since she could remember. It all had started back then, when she had still been a little girl.

"I know you've been seeing that Snape boy again, Lily," she said frowning as she looked at her younger sister.

As always, Lily only cast her a soft smile and returned to colouring a picture in her book. It made Petunia angry. How could that little girl be so calm? Did she not see? Her new friend was a freak. Well, Lily _was_ a freak, too, but she was still her little sister. And as an older one, she would never let anything bad happen to her.

"Why are you ignoring me? He's not... not a proper friend for you!" she added, and her cheeks immediately turned red.

"It's not your choice, Tuney," answered Lily, finally glancing at her sister. "I can be friends with anyone I like, and it happens that I do like Sev. He's nice. I mean... he may be a little bit weird, but I can understand him, and he understands me better than anyone else."

Tuney looked away, feeling tears burning her eyes. Until now, she had been the one who could understand Lily. No-one else. Lily had always been so open and so friendly, but never had she had a friend better than her sister. Meanwhile, Petunia was shy and preferred to be completely alone. However, Lily was as if her other self. The person she had always secretly longed to be. Maybe that was why she felt so comfortable in her presence.

And now, that strange boy appeared and stole everything from her. He stole her sister, her friendship, everything. He talked to Lily about things that were something she had never known about, and deep in her heart, she knew she would never learn anything from what the other two knew.

"_I_ can understand you better, Lily! He keeps lying to you, he's always lying, don't you see? He's so fake! He just wants to buy your friendship because no-one else likes him! And you can have every friend you like, why would you spend your time with someone like _him_?"

Lily stood up. Her round cheeks were completely red, just like the crayon she held in her little hand, which was now shaking softly.

"I like him, Tuney! Don't say such things about Sev, I see now why he doesn't like _you_!"

"Fine, then, go to him! Talk to your _Sev_!" Petunia's voice broke a bit, but it did not make Lily feel guilty.

"I will," she replied frowning, then went to put her shoes on. "I don't need you anymore, Tuney."

* * *

Petunia woke up. That day would appear in her worst nightmares, and she always woke up crying. Even now, after so many nights, she had tears in her eyes. Those words had hurt her more than anything else. _I don't need you anymore, Tuney_. Her perfect, little sister, the one she loved more than her own life... how could she have said such words...

Only then did she realise why she had woken up so suddenly. It was not the terrible moment in her dream – it was a beautiful, brown owl patting her beak on the window. Petunia felt her heart skip a beat and she jumped out of the bed. Enthusiasm made her feel dizzy, but she forced herself to approach the window and open it.

As soon as she did that, the owl stuck its leg out so the girl could take the envelope. She felt her heart begin to beat faster when she noticed the familiar handwriting on the paper. The very same she had seen on the letter Lily had got a few weeks before...

But the letter itself was another disappointment.

_Dear Miss Evans,_

_I am very sorry to inform you that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry cannot accept your application. As much as I would appreciate your attendance, it requires certain abilities that cannot be acquired or created artificially and therefore you do not meet our requirements. Neverless, I would be honoured to meet you as soon as your sister arrives at Diagon Alley._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

Petunia burst into tears and tore the letter, immediately throwing it into the bin. Stupid, old geezer. She hoped he would die. First that weird boy, now that old fossil. And Lily would be gone for seven years, coming back only for holidays... when she was back, she would no longer be the same girl. After all, she would be surrounded only by those who are just like that Snape boy. Weirdos. Crazy people.

That night, she cried herself to sleep again, just like every other night.

* * *

"Here, Tuney, eat just one... it's really chocolate, nothing else."

"I don't wanna. Give it to your _Sev_."

Petunia sat in her chair and looked away from Lily who had just put a big box of chocolate frogs on the table just before her. They were all strange. Even their sweets were strange. Nothing about people like Lily was normal. And she, Petunia, would do everything to make Lily normal, just like she had used to be, juse like Petunia was... she just wanted to get her wonderful sister back. The one who had been her best friend.

"Can you just... bugger off, Tuney?" Lily frowned. "I'm no longer friends with the Snape boy. Happy now?"

Those words made Petunia's heart beat faster. They were... they were not friends?

"I told you he was wicked," she said, pointing her finger at her sister's chest. "You should've listened to me back then, but you didn't. All I wanted was to protect you, but you wouldn't listen. You never listen."

Lily let out a deep sigh, then slumped down onto a chair next to her sister. After a moment, she leant her head on Petunia's shoulder, closing her eyes.

"I know, Tuney, I know... I'm sorry... I just... I wish we could back to the old times, you know? When we used to be best friends, just you and me."

"So do I, Lily. But we cannot go back. Just promise me that we won't argue again, alright?"

Lily looked right into her sister's eyes, taking her hands into her own.

"I promise, Tuney."

* * *

Yet she did not keep her promise. But how could she if Petunia criticised all of her friends? It was not just Severus Snape. It was everyone. When Gwendoline Johnson came during summer holidays to visit her, Petunia got so angry that their parents needed to calm her down.

"You always do this!" she cried, looking into her mother's eyes. "You always do! Before she got into that school... we were the same, now you're never proud of me. Never! And why? Just because I cannot do weird things?"

It was her father who reacted to that.

"Go back to your room, Petunia. You have no right to say such things about your sister! You won't leave your room today."

It was always like that. Whenever she dared say something bad about Lily, she got punished. But what about her behaviour was wrong? All she wanted was a normal, loving family. Not one where her sister was loved more... where Lily could do just anything because she was a witch.

"If that old geezer accepted me back then, they would love me just like they love Lily," she whispered, sitting in the corner and wrapping her arms around her legs. It was not her fault she was not like Lily... that she could not find friends just like Lily did... she and Lily had always been so different, but that was exactly the thing that had brought them so close.

But it was back then...

"Lily! Sweetheart! I'm here!" Petunia waved at her sister who had just come back from her last year at Hogwarts. But something... something was definitely wrong.

Petunia felt as if some cold hand grasped her throat and tried to suffocate her. Was it another guy... another guy like that Snape boy? Was he holding her sister's hand...? Suddenly, she felt empty. And to think she had left her work early just to see her little sister coming back from school, to welcome her... everything should be like it had used to be.

But no. There was another one. It probably was that _Potter_ Lily had written about in her last letter. From what she had read, Potter was nothing good. And he definitely was not good for a sweet little being like Lily.

"Tuney!" Lily ran towards her sister and wrapped her arms around her. "My God, it's so good to be home! Will you show me where you work?"

Petunia faked a smile. There was something she wanted to tell Lily, but she could not, not when that Potter boy was staring at her.

"Oh, and... and meet my boyfriend... James, I wrote you about him, remember?" Lily flashed him a beautiful smile.

When Petunia saw that, she felt lost. She was just about to tell Lily about her engagement, there was a beautiful ring shining on her finger which she wanted to show her, but instead... instead she had to shake that Potter's hand.

"Nice... to meet you," she lied, then sighed. "Would you like to go to a cafe? There's a nice one nearby..."

* * *

They went there. More than once. But, just as Petunia had thought, Lily was no longer the same. Moreover, she would go nowhere without James following her, and she had to admit that she simply _hated_ that guy. Severus Snape was weird, yes, but that Potter... he was even worse. Boasting about everything. Breaking all of the rules. And above all, thinking that he was better than anyone else. That was why Petunia could not stand him.

"It is better like this," she said to herself, crying as she remembered Lily would not be on her wedding.

"It is better like this," she said to herself when she sat in the living room in her beautiful, _normal_ house instead of attending Lily's wedding.

And now...

Now, Petunia Dursley sat in a beautiful, clean kitchen of her _normal_ house with her _normal_ family sleeping in the rooms upstairs. Now, tears kept falling onto the scrubbed clean table. No longer was the letter in her hands, it lay nearby as she hid her face in her hands.

Lily, her beautiful, sweet little sister was dead. Had she only been there... she would have protected her. Instead...

A baby cried. Petunia stood up and wiped the tears away.

It was all because of them. That Snape boy. That Potter guy. Had they not taken Lily away, she would still be alive...!


End file.
